The following was written by Mrs FFB. As you may remember, before the school year started we made the decision that my wife wouldn’t return to work (in education) and instead stay home to raise the kids. Below is her rationale. Enjoy!
I remember when I was in college and I had this end term goal of having a career, making my own money, buying my own things and being a “professional” woman. The thing is, ever since I was a little girl, I also always had a dream of being a mom. I never knew or could ever even imagine how these two, opposing aspirations would collide with each other in my future life.
When I was in college I had this assistant teacher position in a nursery/daycare. I remember working the “extended” day which ran until 6pm and feeling so awful for these young children who were still in the daycare center. I was so judgmental of these mothers: “This is wrong!”, “How could they leave their babies here until 6pm!” “A young child should be in their home during this time of the day!” I was real heated about this topic. ….Little did I know at the young age of 19 years old, that this would be my life one day.
So I graduated college and nabbed myself a teaching position for September. I was so excited about this upcoming career and making “good” money (up until that point, I had made minimum wage working the daycare). It turns out that I was pregnant and expecting in January but I didn’t care and wasn’t going to let the pregnancy get in the way of working. I didn’t tell the principal during my interview that I was pregnant and just showed up the day after labor day all prego. Luckily, I wasn’t really showing, but by October there was a buzz going around the school and I finally told the principal but assured him that I would return to work in 6 weeks.
I had no idea what I was in for. When my daughter was born, I fell in love times 1000 and I couldn’t bare the idea of leaving my little baby. So I took off the rest of the school year and returned to work that following September.
That September became the beginning of a long, hard phase in my life: working mom (and for a few years -single, working mom). My daughter was 8 months old and I had a friend of mine’s sister in law, who was a stay at home mom with her daughter, babysit for me. She turned out to be, well not so great, and by October she was fired. Then I had another stay at home friend of mine babysit my daughter. The problem with this friend was that she lived really far and out of the way. So I had this awful drive to her home each morning. Not to mention that I barely had any sleep. I remember nights when my daughter would just wake up and stay up- we’d watch Elmopalooza!
When my daughter turned two I enrolled her in daycare. So this was my life for a number of years: late to work every morning, trying to get a difficult toddler ready to leave the house, driving haphazardly to the daycare, rushing her into the daycare and then running out to my car and racing to get to the school. On top of all this stress, I was going to graduate school and because I was a poor single mom, I worked afterschool too. There were some nights when we didn’t get home until 10 pm. Then we’d have to get up early and do it all over again.
It was very hard and depressing, so not what I thought motherhood would be like. So when I was engaged to be married (with the wonderful FFB, edit) and knew that I wanted to have more children, I vowed and proclaimed that I would stay home at least 2 years with my child due to the trauma I experienced with being a working mom with my daughter.
Four months after we were married, I was pregnant. It was one of the happiest, most pleasant phases of my life. I actually was ok with going to work at this point. My daughter was a bit older, in first grade now and I new that I was taking a long leave of absence. I literally worked up until the day I delivered the baby.
Somewhere during the childcare leave, I started to feel pressured to return to work in September and against my original plans to stay home for at least 2 years, I decided to go back to work… again. It was the year of hell. My son was 8 months old and I put him in daycare. I remember bringing him to the “wobbler” room and thinking about how surreal it all was. 8 babies sitting in little high chairs and wondering about how well a daycare worker, who is paid minimum wage, was going to care for my son. I felt so bad and guilty. Not even 2 weeks into daycare, my son got sick. Then he was sick every single week with some kind of cold virus. Either he was just getting a cold or getting over a cold. I was constantly at the pediatrician’s and at one point he was even on a nebulizer for respiratory distress. It was so horrible to know that I needed to stay home with my sick son but also face the repercussions of being absent from the job. I felt that my son was more important so I would always stay home with him when he was sick but i still found the whole scenario agonizing and extremely distressing. I hated having to call into to work, over and over again as it turns out - 17 times! After a while, i just accepted the fact that maybe I would get fired or get written up or something. I didn’t even care at that point.
I was so spent. I too become sick often and was severely sleep deprived. I sucked at the job cause I was so distraught over my decision to return to work, taking care of a sick baby and lack of sleep. It was just terrible. One morning I was so tired and in such a rush that I crashed our car in the garage! I knew that things were really bad at this point.
So I persevered and made it until the end of the school year and had this long summer vacation to look forward to. I pulled my son out of daycare and enjoyed every second with my children but then we got to the end of August and the anxiety of returning back to work started to over take me.
After a friend of mine made an enlightening comment to me about why wouldn’t I just return to work when my son was older (since my leave permits that), then why wouldn’t I just do that? So I started to really sit on this idea. Why was I so afraid to follow my dream of being a stay at home mom? There is my whole life to work but only like 4-5 years of a child’s life when they really, really need their mothers. So why was i doing this to us? Maybe I wouldn’t have any more kids and I would’ve missed my only chance to do the “right” thing (for us). I missed out on all those years with my daughter and was doing the same damn thing, 7 years later to my son. Now when my daughter was little, I was a single mom and didn’t have a choice. But now I had a husband and our financial situation was solid, so why not just try it? “I could always go back to work the following year,” I pleaded with my husband.
I have to tell you, I am so happy now. I can wake up in the morning. I don’t curse the sun for rising like I used to. I no longer have grim thoughts of despair about the day ahead of me, ” how am I going to make it through the day,” “why can’t it be Saturday,” “I am sooo tired, I can’t do this,” or my favorite - “what if I just quit and not even call or show up?!?” Now I wake up get my daughter ready for school and I don’t have to drag my 23 month old son out in the wee hours of the morning. He gets to bumble around HIS home, eating breakfast at his leisure. We got to the park, we do errands, we make meals, visit other stay at home moms… Life is truly wonderful now! I am so happy and so is my son and daughter! I realize now that when they would give me a hard time in the morning, they were just reacting to being rushed and all the stress I would put on them. Now things are so pleasant.
We had to make a lot of changes to accommodate to one income and we certainly aren’t living the lifestyle I imagined we would’ve been at this point in my life, but we are happy now!
Sign up with ING Direct and get a $25 bonus
Related Posts
- 8 Ways The Economic Crisis Can Be Good For You
- Canival of Personal Finance #141
- Festive Link Love Carnivality #15
- Paper pregnancy is for real
- How Many Sob Stories Must We Tolerate for Consumer's Stupidity?
- Big Book of Home How To By Better Homes and Gardens
Subscribe to Free From Broke | Follow Free From Broke on Twitter
{ 1 trackback }
{ 26 comments }
Very real story. Children are truly a FULL time job. Take those few years to get to better know your children. I have known several people who have had children and have had the same stress and tension involved with it. It is important to know when your children need you, no matter where you are in your life.
I’ve known for a while that I want at least one parent in the household to stay home for a year or two when kids come along, or even to have both parents working part-time. So since getting married, we have been agressively saving and paying off our mortgage. Our goal is to have our mortgage paid off before children, as well as some considerable savings and a quality of life that can be sustained on one income. I work in early childhood, so I know how important the earliest years are. I also know I don’t like going to work on little sleep, so we’re planning accordingly.
My mom was a stay-at-home mom and I am so thankful that she was. I learned how to read at age 3 and never went to daycare. My husband’s mom stayed at home as well, and when he and I start a family I will also be staying home. Like the commenter above, we are having to plan accordingly which means putting less of our money toward “stuff” and more of it toward paying down loans and mortgages, but I know it will all be worth it someday. I’m so glad you are happy with your decision to stay home with your son - I applaud you!
Hannah’s last blog post..How to Operate a Lavazza Espresso Machine: Lavazza BLUE LB 1000
I’m a stay-at-home Mom who, now that my kids are 8&12, has gone back to work 12 hours a week as a Daycare employee. So if you could hear someone screaming “AMEN!! PREACH IT”, that was me. :O)
I hang out all day with tired little kids who need their Moms and Dads. I can’t help but wonder WHAT is so important about their job that it’s worth corralling their kids to daycare for 8-11 hours a day? I’m honored to walk the daycare kids to their first days of pre-school, But I silently wonder “Why isn’t your Mommy here instead”?
I would have more patience if I hadn’t lived the last 12 years of my life at home. We lived simply, but we never suffered or lacked for anything. It was a joy to be greeted every morning by my kids little faces and not have to rush. It’s a gift I am grateful for every time I go to work and see sleepy-eyed kids fighting back tears.
I know there are situations where both parents have to work. But more often than not, they work so that they can afford the house they want, the vacations they want, the cars they want, the clothes they want. There is nothing wrong with wanting those things, but I don’t understand why it trumps what our children want - the time to bond and be close to us, and to opt out of the mad rush of adulthood.
You are doing the right thing. I live with a sense of pure joy knowing I gave my kids THE BEST, not my exhausted leftovers.
Kudos to you.
I’m so glad that you were able to make that choice. I have been able to stay home with all my children and I can’t imagine how chaotic our life would be if I worked full-time outside the home. I can barely fit in a few hours of work each day, and I work in our basement!
I know that I am very blessed, but we’ve made some sacrifices as well. I dream of a world where there can be a happy middle ground - fulfilling part time work, good quality child care, and job flexibility.
Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Hi Mrs.FFB
I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed reading your article. You really should post more often. My wife recently quit her job as well to take care of our little daughter and it was easily the best decision we ever made. Congrats!
Steve C |MyWifeQuitHerJob.com’s last blog post..How These Businesses Made Me A Customer For Life
Great post , Mrs FFB!
Thanks for sharing.
My wife has been a SAHM for the past 5 years. It’s been hard at times, and we’ve had to make many sacrifices (our laptop is 10 years old, for crying out loud!), but we wouldn’t change a thing. The rewards have been well worth it. Still, I secretly dream of the day when my wife returns to the office and begins receiving a paycheck again. OK, not so secretly.
Joe’s last blog post..Nuru Cards - a great stocking stuffer!
I am also a SAHM for my 2 beautiful girls and I love every minute of it. The only tough part is now that the economy is so bad, we are struggling financially. The great news is that I have found a wonderful home based business that not only helps us financially but also make us be healthier at the same time.
I would love to share this opportunity with other SAHM that is looking to earn extra income. If you are interested, please visit my website (www.themomteam.com/sarahneno or email me at sarah.neno@gmail.com
Happy Holidays!
Great post, Mrs. FFB. Thanks for sharing. Mrs. PT is about to be home with our little girl while she finished grad school. I hope she’s just as happy. I’ll be sure and share this post with her.
PT Money’s last blog post..PYF Challenge Update: New Promo Videos Unveiled
MY mom raised us up alone cause my father died. I am sure that it was not easy for her. THere was not internet at that time.
Elroy’s last blog post..The Future of Stock Research
Thank you for sharing your story! We all have different experiences, and it’s nice to get different perspectives. I feel very blessed because I can work from home — I get the best of both worlds. But I know not everyone has the same opportunities.
Miranda’s last blog post..Tax Preparation: Charity Donations from CharityDeductions.com
Good for you, Mrs. FFB, for doing what was best for your kids and your family and most importantly, yourself! I think women often try to do too much–who are we competing with? And we don’t give ourselves permission to do what we really want to do.
I struggled with chronic pain from back problems, migraines and other health problems for years while working full-time before the bright idea of working part-time occurred to me. There was no reason I couldn’t have done it earlier, because my husband had a secure, well-paying job with a flexible schedule that he loved and no health problems.
Working part-time has freed me up to improve both our lives in countless other ways and given me a stress-free life–now I rarely have to call in sick and exercise and weight-loss have helped my other health problems as well. The migraines disappeared the minute I didn’t have to be at a computer terminal eight hours a day!
Life is too short…
Beatriz/Mindful Money’s last blog post..Free Miami!
Great post!! I know the stress of being a single working mom. My son is now 3 1/2 and I was pregnant at 19. Not only does have to go to daycare but my parents at night bc I work night shift 13 hr shifts and 2 jobs(at least finished school) so we can live in our house and afford life. We get a lot of time together bc I sacrifice sleep. He is already reading and I’m told how great he is to be around at his daycare, which makes me know I’m doing a good job.
I wish I could be a stay at home mom, but for now it’s a dream bc at my age it seems no one my age is mature enough. I give you credit for what u have done and the struggles you handled.
Great pic as well!!!
Thank you all for your great responses! It’s so rewarding to see so much support.
My wife and I have already discussed the idea of her working when we have children and we have decided that she shouldn’t. (Although I’ll be honest, I told her I would be a stay at home Dad and she could work. That didn’t go over very well!). Glad you made the decision to stay at home. Your child will be much better off in the long run.
@ Patrick - To be honest we discussed my staying at home while my wife works but we decided it would be better if she stayed.
“We are happy now”. And in the future? When he leaves you and you can’t earn enough to give the kids any reasonable standard of living? Or when the kids leave home and you get a chance to achieve a little and realize that you have wasted a life that could have achieved a lot?
That’s a negative way to look at things Jade. Why would you assume I’d leave my wife and kids? A big part of my wife staying home is because she values her time raising the kids over going to work so there would be no issue of wasting her time. And besides, my wife is successful in her career; she was actually making more than me! She has both her Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees and if she ever wanted to go back to work she would be able to find a job relatively easily.
I’m not sure where this negativity comes from. If it comes from personal experience then I’m sorry you had to go through that.
I can so relate to this story. I too experienced the same things except I am a single mom of 7, (two non bios). I lost my job because my employment wouldn’t give me time to take my toddler to evaluations. I was taking extended lunches here and there, but they were still unhappy. Shortly after losing my job, my youngest son was diagnosed with autism…
Fortunately, I learned how to make income online and am able to stay home. (Of course, I also stretch my budget immensely.)
Enjoy these very important years. You can never get them back..
BTW, great post!
supermom_in_ny’s last blog post..Win a Free Copy of Suze Orman’s Book 2009 Action Plan
Thanks Supermom! Seven kids…I can’t even imagine the logistics of that. Just shows that we can do anything if we have to!
I am crying as I write this. I want so much to get the honor of being an at home mom, but my husband and I are both elementary teachers and staying home is not in the cards. Instead I am the first mom there at the end of the day and haven’t had a night-out in the three years I’ve been a parent~I want to be with them every moment I can. I never let them see me cry about this, but it happens every evening. I hope every momma treasures every moment we get to spend with our children. I also hope to win the lotto..or anything that would allow me to stay home for a couple of years.
@ Anna - It’s definitely tough. My wife worked for a long time before she could even seriously consider staying home (I find plenty of days when I would rather be home with the kids too). Keep at it and scrimp and save. Staying home might not be as tough as you think.
Wow, this is a great article and comments, thanks! I’m 36 y.o., at the crossroads right now. I have a 16 m.o. going to daycare and I hope to have another kid soon. Part of me wants to stay home the next 2-5 years if I can go on leave and keep my job, but part of me wants to keep working also to keep up pension, IRA and 401k rolling. I’m also concerned that most of us earn less than men, so keeping on working will keep our salaries and skills up for the future if and when we get divorced or widowed. I read the book “Freakonomics” and their studies show that working moms don’t hurt their kids’ success or development later on in life. When I’m home, I make sure I’m 100% present for my baby–we go to the library, parks, museums, read and play….Anyway, I am still really thinking hard about this–a successful, home based business that isn’t too labor-intensive might be the answer (reading 4 Hour Work Week and One Minute Millionaire for ideas). Will keep thinking and exploring, thanks!…..
@ Karyl - For sure it’s a tough decision and one of the toughest we’ve had to make as a family. Even now we think of how better off we’d be financially if my wife was working. But money aside, all the other stresses are gone. No more running like a madman in the morning. No more sicknesses every two weeks and days off from work. My son and wife are truly enjoying their time together and my daughter gets the benefit of my wife being there for her after school to help with homework and such.
If you think you can swing not working then perhaps you should try? Those early years can’t be replaced. See if you can set up a budget that would mimic not working now. If nothing else you might put a lot away in savings for when you have another child.
Again, it is tough and sometimes have a stay at home parent isn’t an option. Sounds like you spend some great quality time with your kid when you can!
By far the best and most important story about the whole essence of frugality. It’s not about being cheap, saving money, living on less. It’s about why. This is the why. Well said!
Jill Blevins’s last blog post..Advice-Giving Relatives
@ Jill - Thank you!
Comments on this entry are closed.